Reflecting and witchy little risks 31-40

Once I was a sculptor of grey matter.

From your humble clay

I would shape Art;

A light pinch, a fingerprint

A sweep of my hands through the warmth

Of your tender medium -

Building and making

Toiling and taking

A masterpiece of my own design.

But in time I came to see

The finished pieces

Were all me.

I am no sculptor.

Once I was a gardener of plants

A cultivator of tender stalks and rooty arbors both.

From modest seed

I raised Edens.

I carried my implements in a place between

My heart and my brain;

I would water and tend

Prune and bend

A garden for my vanity.

But I grew weary of weeding

And picking fruit from the vine

Who am I to do this reaping?

I am no gardener.

Once I was a weaver of webs

A connector of threads.

From the needles of ideas

and the yarns of sight and sound

I wove vast networks.

I would poke and pull

Silk and wool

A web to hold us all.

But then I had the thought

what if you don’t want

To be caught?

I am no weaver.

So what am I now, if not a sculptor?

What am I now, if not a gardener?

What am I now, if not a weaver?

Now I am a mirror.

What do you see?

It’s been both surprising and illuminating to see how each cluster of risks I take ends up having a bit of a theme that emerges, and this week, that theme is reflection.  The idea of the mirror and our ability to reflect the light of others has been part of this witchy endeavor from the get-go, but part of the beauty of this journey is that there is always more to learn, and there is always the potential to deepen my understanding.

I find I am applying a mirror to myself constantly now – evaluating my decisions, actions, thoughts, ideas, and beliefs. I’ll ask myself “did that go the way I hoped? And if so, what went right?” or “I didn’t like what just happened – what can I learn from that situation?”. In some ways it feels like a burden. The more I hold up the mirror, the more ways I see I must grow. But it also feels like a gift – I can study myself and decide what to release and what to keep. I can approach my life as a series of choices that are mine to make and feel a sense of agency that I never did before.

In a recent Instagram rabbit hole, I saw Eckhart Tolle post, “Through self-observation, more presence comes into your life automatically.” I think this sums it up nicely – right now, I’m appreciating the presence that comes from reflecting.

Witchy little risks 31-40

#31 – Try to throw a ball through a hoop in front of a crowd – my best friend bought tickets for us to see a pop-up Harry Potter exhibition in Cambridge (what an amazing friend and lovely idea!), and part of this exhibit included a hands-on quidditch game, wherein you could pick up an odd-shaped ball in front of a large crowd of strangers and try to throw it through a hoop that made noise if you did it right. This isn’t something I would typically try, let alone believe I could enjoy. I’ve long felt I had no ability in ball sports and regularly condemned my poor hand-eye coordination. However, there’s something about knowing I can get credit for taking a risk and grow in some way that makes those self-limiting beliefs fade to the background. I did try throwing that quaffle, and I did nail two hoops out of four. I am so very capable of growth, and so are you, dear reader.

#32 – Plan and cook a meal from ingredients chosen by wandering around the grocery store. I am usually a pre-planner, a list-maker, a booker of experiences in advance. I have found recently, though, that when I leave some wriggle room, some time to follow my feet, that’s when magick floods in. This particular risk, Andy and I went to the store without a list or a plan, and we just had faith that we’d figure out what to do and what to buy as we walked around the store. We did! Without taking any additional time, a meal came together in our cart, and the experience was made even more enjoyable by the chat we had along the way, navigating the flavors and textures, deciding on the balance of veg, carb, protein, of sweet, salt, cream, of crunch, smooth, tender. It was a date night and a shopping trip, and the meal we made of grilled chicken, baked brussels sprouts, mushroom and pea cream sauce, and fresh fettuccini was my favorite one yet.

#33 – Ask for what I want from DD after receiving wrong order – When I receive the wrong order or something isn’t quite right at a restaurant, I almost never speak up. I just haven’t wanted to take up this kind of space. This day, though, I received the wrong order at Dunkies, and I saw the opportunity to be brave. I went inside to get the 2 missing pumps of pumpkin spice in my iced coffee, and I said, “Could I please have two more pumps of pumpkin in this iced coffee? I really like that pumpkin!” And the friendly donut fairy put in 3 more pumps of pumpkin instead of 2, which I believe was done in generosity and kindness, but it was also too much pumpkin. I held my tongue this second time around and did some reflecting instead. I think my error was in qualifying my request for the additional pumps; I didn’t need to say “I really like that pumpkin!” I am allowed to ask for what I want without having to make it smaller and cute. I can (we can) ask for what we want because we want it, and as long as we’re kind in the process, that’s enough.

#34 – Teach second class on manifesting dream life – this night was magick. Leigh, whom I met through the Merrimack Valley Chamber of Commerce, came to the class and brought two people with her as well. It was a beautiful little illustration of the community we are building. It’s still a risk to share my experience with other people; it still takes some reminding that I have something within me worth other people’s time and money, but watching people make connections and seeing people find ways to love themselves a little more reminds me how much I love this work. That is worth all of the moments of self-doubt.

#35 – Post a challenge on Linked in to write a pill spell – I have been thinking a lot about my feelings about Big Medicine and my reasons for leaving the field. I think it would be easy, but incorrect, to say I left because Big Pharma is some kind of villain. We have doubtless benefitted from medication; my qualm with the system is the lack of agency everyone feels over their health (and for providers, lack of agency over their practice). My goal is to help people feel more connected to their bodies, minds, and spirits, to help people remember that they have choice in what happens to them. Perhaps taking a medication for a chronic illness right now will prevent many serious complications – that doesn’t mean it has to prevent you from trying to do everything you can to come off of that medication, if that is your choice. Also, if you choose, you can be the magick that makes the medication work even better; we know the placebo effect is real – let’s use this knowledge that the mind is a powerful tool in wellness to our advantage and visualize the medication working while we take it; let’s say a little spell and make it a ritual.

It was with all of this in mind, that I started a challenge on Linked In to ask people to write pill spells to go along with different medications. The idea is that someone can say a little poem, understand better how the drug will work in their body, engage the brain in the act, and feel a sense of agency over what is happening to them. I haven’t had any takers on the challenge… yet.

#36 – Take a step to plan for a financial future – I wager to say most women are not explicitly taught how to plan for a financial future. Also, I personally have some trauma with money to unpack – won’t honor this with more words, but it’s something I’m aware of. I met Robert, a financial advisor, through MVC, and every time we’ve chatted, I find I am a little less intimidated by the idea of financial planning. His approach is very much like my approach to wellness coaching – money, like health, is a means and not an end. It’s the tool that helps you live the beautiful life you want. With this in mind, I asked him about doing a class for me and some girlfriends, and he agreed. It was a risk to even think about financial planning for me, let alone take a concrete step. I’m excited to see where this goes, and hopefully some of my girlfriends will also benefit from this event.

#37 – Read an original poem at an open mic night – During my magickal poetry retreat on Star Island, I wrote a poem I was proud of. Like so many poems, it was written from a prompt I didn’t like at first (these are the ones that get you thinking differently!). The prompt was to write a poem based on a fake band name, randomly assigned, and my fake band name was The Former Former. I wrote a poem inspired by this name that day, and I have not edited it since. It’s the poem at the top of this post.

I had been wanting to share this poem and to take a risk in reading it in front of a group of strangers since I got back from the poetry retreat. I had never performed at an open mic night, but something in me felt called to try it.

To back up for a moment, I was having a chat with someone recently, though I can’t remember when or with whom, and they recommended I go to the bar Warp and Weft in Lowell. I forgot about this for a bit, but then I heard the phrase, “warp and weft” in a TV show…a witchy TV show… and I remembered I had heard about this bar that I should go to. I mean, warp and weft is not a pair of words you hear every day, so it stood out. It refers to the two directions of thread, yarn, you name it, in weaving. Anyway, I took this little synchronicity as a sign that I should go to Warp and Weft. I checked out their website, and what to you know? They had an open mic the next night, their first one in 5 years.

I went to that open mic night, and I almost chickened out… but I did it. I read my poem, and it felt. So. Damn. Good.

#38 –  Gentle activism in support of witches – I was running around my neighborhood with my dog, and I ran past a sign advertising free pallets “good for kindling, bonfires, and burning witches.” I firmly believe that the person who wrote it did so in good humor and with no ill intent, but it stuck with me for hours. I kept thinking about it and it made it hard for me to get motivated to do anything. I guess the thing is, “witch” for me has become a word that embodies so much more than a fictional character or a misnomer, it’s a woman who has learned to own her inner power.

I was worked up enough to want to do some gentle activism, so I channeled my angst into some productive energy, I fixed the sign, and I left my business card behind. Perhaps they will be curious and want to learn more about why I did what I did!

#39 – Meditate in cold grass at night – this was a day when it was late and I hadn’t taken a WLR yet. In a past night like this, Katrina had recommended meditating barefoot in the grass, and I had opted against this; I just don’t like being cold –there is definitely some growth potential here. We happened to have a guest visiting, Kate, and I asked Kate for her recommendation as to what I should do, and guess what she said – meditate barefoot in the grass.

During my outside adventure, I was most surprised by the fact that my bare feet on the cold, wet grass were warm at the end of the 5 mins I stood there. I looked up at the waxing moon, I felt my feet connect with the earth, and for a few moments, we were all one. It was beautiful.

#40 – Tag other businesses and people in social media – Part of my personal witchy journey is learning to embrace my spirituality. I have spent the majority of my life believing in science, hard data, and that which we can quantify, disregarding spirituality entirely. I called myself an atheist up until this year, and I hate to say, I believed that those who did believe in any kind of higher power were naïve and misguided. This is the judgment I am trying to unlearn, and it is hardest when applying it to myself.

This is all to say, I initially felt some shame and hesitancy in tagging other businesses and people on my social media when our paths crossed, mostly due to fear that other folks would judge me the way I used to judge them. I worried people would not want to be associated with a business with “witchy” in the name.  Upon reflection, I have come to realize that my goal is to connect – to connect with other folks and to connect folks to each other, and I am allowed to feel good about this. Perhaps what is most powerful, though, is that at every turn, I am blown away by the kindness and curiosity I find in strangers. While I would have judged myself for this work in the past, so many of the people I have met do not. It is truly humbling.