Lessons in allowing and witchy little risks 21-30
One of the key steps of manifesting is allowing. There’s a whole lot of manifesting that requires us to take concerted action –identifying and shifting our self-limiting beliefs, clarifying what we want, putting energy in the form of time and resources into our goals, etc. – but then once we’ve done our part, we get to allow whatever is going to happen to happen and trust that if it’s meant to be it will be. This step is the absolute hardest one for me.
I have always liked things I felt I could control. I liked eating the same foods that I already knew I enjoyed – looking at you, pasta. I liked following therapeutic guidelines in the practice of pharmacy, finding comfort in the prescribed algorithms. I liked watching the same TV shows over and over again, playing them as a soundtrack to my every moment alone (I have probably watched Gilmore Girls, The Office, and Parks and Recreation all the way through at least 40 times each – yes this is probably too many times, but damn they are good shows).
If a situation arose where I felt out of control, I tried to trick myself into thinking I did have control. I said something wrong or cringy? I replayed it over and over in my head, thinking I could change what I had done in my mind. I was dissatisfied at work? I complained about it to death with anyone who would listen, thinking those conversations would bring about a different outcome. Waiting to hear back about a job interview? I had my phone yoked to my hand, checking every 5 minutes, whether I felt a buzz or not, thinking if I kept looking, they would call. I thought that keeping it all at the forefront of my brain, spending my time and energy on these thoughts, that I would be able to influence what came next. I hadn’t learned how to allow, how to do what I actually had in my power to do, and then let go.
Looking back, I see that the things I did try to control made my world so small. I had never tried the shiitake mushroom, afraid of the newness of it, and when I finally gave up the control of eating only what I knew I liked and found safe, I found mushies are one of my favorite foods. I saw that doggedly following algorithms in the world of pharmacy closed doors to genuinely connecting with my patients and finding real joy in my work. I found that watching the same shows over and over prevented me from sitting with my thoughts, and once I turned off the noise, I re-discovered my curiosity, my sense of wonder.
And don’t even get me started on the things I pretended to control – how much mental energy I spent replaying, agonizing, hoping – all this time and pain and none of it getting me closer to where I really wanted to be. At some point, though, I figured out how to step back – to find the move I could make and then let go. The cringy thing I said? I could apologize and then leave it to the other person to accept it or not. The complaints about work? I could leave that job and allow the universe to guide me somewhere else. The job interview? I did everything I could – I could wait, put my phone away, go for a run, and do something kind for someone else.
Control is an illusion that has caused me a lot of pain, but this pain is also valuable; it has brought me clarity, and what a gift that is. My witchy little risks this past week and a half all seem to have the flavor of allowing, of giving up control, and there is tremendous magick in this. I’m certain this is a lesson I will continue to learn, but I’m thankful for this start.
Witchy little risks 21-30:
#21 – Hand out business cards to new acquaintances NOT at networking events – I had plans to attend an MVC networking event with free head shots, and so I went to Drybar for a blowout beforehand to get a little boost of confidence and a fabulous ‘do. I waited for a little while, which gave me the opportunity to take in the décor. Drybar is a franchise, and their color scheme is yellow and grey. The cheery yellow feels so right in a place whose purpose is to give everyone a dose of self-confidence and self-love. Drybar, unlike other salons, is exclusively for blowouts. It’s a place you go on your way to a wedding, a party, a big meeting. It’s a place you go filled with possibility and knowing that you will leave feeling even more ready to go off and do the thing. You can feel this energy surround you like a warm hug. My stylist that day, Kylie, works at other salons, but she absolutely loves being at Drybar because everyone is there with some big beautiful intention.
I had a great time while she worked my stick-straight hair into some lovely waves, and at the end of it all, I had the thought to give her my business card. This felt like a risk, and I think that’s for 2 reasons – 1 it was out of context; I am used to passing out my card at events designed for networking, but not to strangers or acquaintances over the course of my day, and 2 – we had a nice moment and it felt like a risk to “color” it by bringing up my work. In the end, I decided to allow, to give up control and just see what happened. This resulted in a comedy of errors, as she thought I was trying to pay her with my business card instead of a credit card, but I learned a couple of valuable things on self-reflection. It’s ok for me to share my work – I’m not pushing this on anyone; the act of giving my card out is all I can control, and whoever receives it can decide what they want to do – I can allow this. Also, I can choose to be intentional in my giving of my card. Because I am choosing not to feel guilty about passing it out, I can give it confidently and proudly; this should clear up any confusion about what it’s for.
#22 – Listen to my body when making a big decision – In my networking adventures, I have met some wonderful folks, including Marc. Marc recognized that the work I am doing as a coach would give me a nice leg up in sales, and offered to help me jumpstart a side gig selling supplemental insurance to folks who work at small businesses. It was an interesting thought, and I decided to move forward with the training. It became clear early on, though, that this didn’t feel quite right. I found myself craving sugar every time I sat down to do the training. My risk was to trust that my body was telling me this wasn’t the right fit for me. I’ve come to believe that when I crave sugar, it means I’m missing the sweetness somewhere else in my life. I’m grateful to have had the chance to think about it, and I’m grateful to my body for the feedback. It’s going to be a lifelong project to really hear this body of mine, but at least now I know to listen.
#23 – Take Ellie for a run – I have been both very excited and very nervous to take Ellie for a run with me. Ellie is not the best walker. She stops and sniffs, she zigzags, she pulls on the leash. Her bad leash etiquette is all on me, of course, but alas, this is where we are.
There have been moments in the past when I have wanted to give Ellie some freedom but didn’t feel she was ready. She wasn’t fully accident free when I decided to let her up on the couch, but many months later and she’s both accident free and a good couch snuggler. She wasn’t always coming when called when I decided to let her run free at my family’s place in Chesterfield, NH, but she came when we called her there. I don’t know exactly why, but it seems she rises to the occasion when we give her some freedom and have confidence in her. Maybe she can sense that we are taking a leap of faith, and she wants to prove she’s worthy of it. She always is. I took her for that first run, and she was amazing. The challenges we have walking melted away and she was a terrific running buddy.
I think about this approach to so much of life – choosing to have confidence even where there is a known history that reinforces doubt. I remember doubting my patients would be successful in the plan they had come up with for themselves if it didn’t match what I had in my head, and I wish I had met them with radical confidence and compassion instead. I’m finding more and more that we rise to the occasion when someone loves us and believes we can succeed. I want confidence in others to be my default mode.
Pooped pup
#24 – Gently break a rule at the mini golf place – I lost my ball playing mini golf with my husband – it was a pretty good smack I gave that ball – and I saw another one just a short hop away… on the other side of a locked gate. I have always been a dogged rule follower, maybe to a fault, as I think my need to do things by the book has kept my worldview pretty narrow. I had to go to college and then grad school and then find a safe and secure job, and a place to live, and a partner, and yadayadayada. I was stuck in a story of what was supposed to be, what the rules of society dictated was acceptable for a life. I am grateful that the choices I made led me to a pretty amazing place right now, but I do have some grief in thinking that I couldn’t even entertain a job that wasn’t “safe.” I never would have imagined a creative field like writing, for example.
Hopping the fence to get that ball felt like an emancipation. It felt like bucking the rules of what was “allowed” for my life and embracing the whole world of possibility. It felt so damn good.
#25 – Trust fall – When it was 10:30 PM and I still hadn’t done a witchy little risk for the day, I asked my husband and sister-in-law for ideas. Trust fall was tossed into the ring. While many people do these at summer camp or on athletic teams, I had never had the experience. It felt like the right move. I’m fortunate to have video footage of this moment – I can see how truly afraid I was to let go. I think the trust fall has so little to do with fearing that the other person won’t catch you and so much to do with your trust in yourself and your willingness to let go. I did it, and I am doing it every day.
#26 – Allow a friend to choose my nail polish – another illustration of the importance of allowing. I encouraged my friend, Kristina, to choose my nail polish for me and I agreed to wear whatever she chose for at least 24 hours. I knew she would choose something out of my normal palette to honor this witchy little project. She chose a blue-green shimmery one, which is a stark contrast to my normally bare nails (or light pink when I’m feeling bold). I didn’t love the color when I looked down at my fingers– it didn’t feel like me.
But then I started to see the benefit of this novelty. I could channel a different energy, a different person who does wear blue-green nail polish. Who is this bold person, and how can I be her for a little while? It ended up being a nice boost while I filmed my first podcast; I showed up as a more confident version of myself.
#27 – Self-publish a children’s story on Amazon – I have had a story with AI illustrations sitting on my computer for almost a year. I had qualms about putting something out into the world that made use of artificial intelligence for creative purposes. I thought that children’s book illustrations should have a human touch. I hired two different illustrators, and I just couldn’t describe what I wanted well enough to get an end-product I liked half as much as my artificial intelligence designs. I started to think that my AI images did have a human touch – it was me. I had described what I wanted and AI had co-created it with me. I can appreciate the many viewpoints there are on artificial intelligence, probably just as many viewpoints as there are on money or magick. The way I sit with AI now is that it’s a tool – just like money and magick – and if we use it with intention, like bringing a little story into the world to help kids learn mindfulness strategies – then it’s ok. Decide for yourself after checking out my little story, Happy Hedgehog!
#28 – Host a new moon walk – I’ve always been a sun worshipper. I love beach days and I never get too hot; bring on those rays! I have never felt that connected to the moon, though. I recognized that she causes the tides, that she embodies the divine feminine, and that points in the lunar cycle are good for certain types of magick, but I hadn’t fully integrated my academic thoughts about her in a way that felt like true understanding and connection. I took a leap and advertised a free walk to acknowledge the new moon and put some lunar energy into our manifestations. I ended up having only one other walker with me that day – my husband. We talked about what it means to depend on her cycles and the certainty that a new moon will become full. We remembered moon moments in our own lives, particular memories that the moon was there to witness. We appreciated that even though she doesn’t have light from within, she is bright because she reflects the light of others. And we admired the fact that seeing her felt special given her relatively infrequent appearances (at least as compared to the sun). We each wrote down something we hope to manifest as the moon makes her way to fullness, and we infused these intentions with energy with each step on our walk. I look forward to sharing this experience with more people in the future!
#29 – Start a podcast – When I was still at my pharmacist job, I had questions from patients all the time about alternative and complementary medicine. I never knew how to answer – these treatments often don’t have much data to back them, and the medical field depends almost entirely on data. Before I knew I had to leave my muggle job, I suggested that we make a bank of videos exploring different complementary and alternative practices to share with our patients. The idea wasn’t the right fit for where I was at the time, but it’s a dream that’s stayed very much alive.
I started a podcast called “A Taste of Your Own Medicine,” and the goal is three-fold: 1) connect listeners with information about alternative and complementary medicine and healers, 2) provide healers a chance to share their stories about how they were able to be their own medicine and now wish to share that with the world, and 3) allow me to continue to learn from amazing folks whom I will interview. We do not currently have a good framework for evaluating alternative and complementary medicine – so much of healing is based on the individual and what they feel connected to – but my hunch is that if we can showcase healers who have healed themselves, listeners will be better able to find and connect with something that also resonates with them. My first interviewee was Rob Stewart, evolutionary astrologer at Inner Center Astrology, and he is brilliant.
#30 – Pop in unannounced to speak to a potential interviewee – I met Catherine at the Radical Healing Festival in North Hampton, NH. She co-founded Flote, which is a salt-water based sensory deprivation experience, and I liked her right away. She was enthusiastic about the idea of the podcast when I mentioned it to her, and I had emailed her a couple of times after the event to see if she was still open to it. I hadn’t heard from her, but after I filmed my episode with Rob, I asked if he has thoughts about other folks I should interview, and he mentioned Catherine; I took this as a sign. After I left Rob’s office, I made the 4 minute drive to Flote to see if Catherine was in, and as luck would have it, she was! I made my pitch, fighting the fear of rejection. She listened graciously, and now I wait to hear back, to allow whatever is meant to happen to happen :)