Releasing shame as we enter a new year and witchy little risks 71-80
In my 5 months of building a business, one of the most important lessons I have learned is the necessity of releasing shame. Sure, shame is helpful sometimes; it protects us from being cast out of our community, but much more often it’s the root of inertia, it keeps us small, it causes us to lose precious sleep, and it drains us of so much vital energy.
I’ve spent a good deal of my life letting shame call the shots. I’ve avoided trying new things because I was afraid of potential humiliation and failure, I agonized over everything I did before and after I did it because I felt like I needed to be perfect or I wouldn’t be valuable, and I judged and distanced myself from people who were choosing not to let shame run their lives, thus missing out on meeting wonderful humans and learning how awesome it is to experience this particular kind of freedom.
I’ve been ashamed of my income – both how much I didn’t make and then later how much I did make, my body, my sexuality – at times feeling it was too much and then at times too little, what I can’t do, like cook, and what I like to do, like write poetry. I’ve been ashamed of not knowing enough and then about knowing too much, of the clothes I’ve worn, the sound of my voice, the color of my hair, the gifts I’ve given, the careers I’ve chosen, the way I show my face to the world. I’ve been ashamed about what I feel makes me weird and then further shamed when someone else decided that I should be ashamed for my shame because my weird isn’t weird. I can’t even begin to quantify how much mental energy I have spent on shame over my 36 years of life; it’s exhausting to even consider. The good news is that now, I can choose to put that energy somewhere that serves me better. I think sometimes it takes finding that thing that you really want, that life that lights up your whole being, to choose to reroute the energy you’ve been devoting to shame.
I have found that to build this company I believe in, to really share my vision, I have to constantly stretch my sense of what I am “allowed” to do per my own internal sense of shame. To do this work, it’s not enough to stay yoked to this anvil that asks me relentlessly, “do you really think anyone is going to listen to you?” and “don’t you think this is too weird to spend your life doing?” and “shouldn’t you be further along by now?” The act of building a business requires regular severing of the shame-ties that bind us – exhausted, frustrated, and unsatisfied – to stagnation.
I’m still figuring out how to cut these cords of shame – I’d wager to say it’s the single most challenging aspect of my work – but it’s those most challenging things that are worth the most in the end. And you know what? I’m shameless enough to say I’m more shameless now than I was when I started, and that’s something right there.
Witchy little risks 71-80:
# 71 - Ask a stranger to let me film them answering a question in Disney World – I was always both in awe of and a little mortified by people who could go up to a stranger, put a camera in front of them, and ask them a question. During my trip to Disney World with my sisters-in-law, I was this person. In severing my shame-ties, I decided to approach a couple of people, ask if they were comfortable with me filming them answering the question, “what does magick mean to you?” I gave some context for why I was making the request – I shared that I was taking little leaps out of my comfort zone to grow, and that this was a positive risk for me. The first person I asked, Ayla, was a cast member, and absolutely magick. Not only did she agree to be on camera and answer the question, but her response reminded me of why I’m walking the path of the witch at all. She said magick for her was love. She said magick is seeing families spend quality time together, sharing memories they’ll have forever. Katrina, Tanya, and I felt this in our souls, and it set the stage for the rest of our weekend together too.
#72 - Ask a stranger what magick means to them in Disney World #2 – I wanted to try to ask my little question a handful of times, but in practice, I was able to set my shame aside to do it only once more. I saw a pair of gorgeous women dressed in holiday outfits, and I approached them, providing the same context as with Ayla. They agreed, and it was clear they had some experience being on camera, helping me get the right angle and volume. Again, their answers reminded me of what magick means to me and why I think it is so important – for Cici, it was love, and for Star, it was friendship. I think if love is a feeling, then magick is the feeling in action, it’s the pouring of love out from an individual that brings dreams into the real world.
#73 – Be on public access TV show – in my networking with the wonderful Merrimack Valley Chamber of Commerce, I met Cynthia Wright, a kind and talented headhunter. We hit it off, bonding over discovering meditation and alternative wellness after struggling with burnout in our stressful jobs, and she asked if I would be a guest on her public access TV program! I never cease to be surprised at how and where I find my people! This little moment on her show reminded me of my goal of having my own program, a podcast where I can interview people who have found a way to be their own medicine – brick by brick we build our vision. Brick by brick.
#74 – Announce second attempt to host retreat – The first time I attempted to host a retreat, it didn’t work out. I didn’t have any takers. But failure is part of any process, and we can’t let it hold us back from trying again! This time, the retreat will be different – it’s co-hosted with the fabulous travel agent, Sue Fenton, of Joyful Wonders Travel, it’s at a different location – the luxurious Hidden Pond in Kennebunkport, Maine, it’s several months rather than 2 weeks away, and I’ll be promoting it differently. Not letting shame and fear hold me back from this retreat that I want so badly to share with people. Cheers to a second try!
#75 – Go to mall the Friday before Christmas – this holiday season was not my favorite. It was tough thinking about gifts for the people I love when I couldn’t afford to buy the kinds of things I usually give, and time was also crunched as I spend all of my time trying to stand up this new business. I struggled to get into the holiday spirit, and when my husband wanted to go to the mall to shop together, it was a big lift for me. But we went, and it was a bizarro twilight zone kind of scene – there was almost no one there! Granted, it was later in the evening, but it was still the Friday before Christmas! It made me think that perhaps I’m not the only one feeling weird about the holiday this year, but who knows? 2025 year will host a holiday full of abundance of all kinds!
#76 – Share work with extended family – every December, my extended family gathers for a holiday dinner the Saturday before Christmas. This is a 52-year old tradition that my Uncle Bruce and Aunt Nancy started the year they got married, and it’s often the only time of year when I get to see my mom’s cousins and their families. I love seeing this family, but I was a little trepidatious this year; I value my aunts’, uncles’, and cousins’ opinions, and I knew that sharing that I am a witch would be a surprise to them. Fortunately for me, I’ve been able to let go of some of the shame and fear already, which has made it a whole lot easier to tell someone what I’m doing. At this dinner, I owned my truth.
#77 – Open a business checking account – this is something I had been waiting to do until I was making money, saving it for a celebration of sorts, but I finally realized the account perhaps has to come first and the money second. Like so many things in starting this business, there is an element of clapping for Tinkerbell, of having faith that what you want to happen will in fact happen before it does happen. I think we all find value in ourselves in different ways – some of us feel valuable when we have a bank account, some of us feel valuable when we have our first positive customer review, some of us feel valuable when we get the website up. The key to all of it is that the value has to come from within first. These little steps aren’t proof of our value – they come after we feel valuable and not the other way around. It’s a crazy mind game we play with ourselves when we start a business– we have to get our mind on board or we might be waiting forever to feel that value in ourselves.
#78 – Put free ebook on website – I wrote a book…and then I sat on it. I had been nudged pretty strongly that this was not a book I should try to publish or sell; this book was my story meant for anyone curious to read it free of charge. After a month of not doing anything with it, I had to confront my decision not to share it yet. In a moment of weakness and feeling sorry for myself, I coached myself and realized I perhaps hadn’t let that book out because I wanted it to be perfect. While I think it is important to put your best quality out there, I know this book just isn’t going to be perfect – even if I combed it 50 times for typos and said to myself there were no grammatical or spelling errors, for the content, I know I am going to keep learning and growing and changing, and I’m sure I will want to make changes to the book ad infinitum. I had to just say, well, the contents of this book as they are right now empowered and helped me, and I have to just release it and hope that it may be of use to someone else too.
#79 – Put up guided visualization and PDFs – These were more examples of content I was sitting on and not sharing. I recorded myself doing a guided visualization, and I created some PDF handouts for folks to complete as a companion to my book and to the video content I would be generating. I am someone who has lived her whole life on praise, starting early on when I sought to impress my teachers. In starting this company, there is no one to praise me except me! And this has made it challenging to know when I have something worthwhile to share or not. Here is where that willingness to be shameless and the need to have faith come up again (and again and again…).
#80 – Release shame in what makes me weird in new year – To end 2024, I decided to make some videos releasing what no longer served me and what I didn’t want to take into 2025. Not surprisingly, shame was first on the list. I took a leap and tried my hand at a different type of “witchy little risk” video than I had done in the past – I tried some scene setting and light editing, a risk for me because to try something new and fail feels so terrible (but of course, we must try or we will never grow!). In this video, I released the specific shame in what makes me weird – my interest in crystals, my relationship with my plants, and my self-affirmations. I release this shame with humor and levity, and I hope that this might inspire someone else to release something they no longer wish to carry too.
