Vulnerability is a super power and witchy little risks 61-70
This December, I found myself thinking a whole lot about what kind of strength empowers people, what kind of strength can help us draw closer together. Again and again, I came back to the idea of vulnerability. A dear friend shared with me her daughter’s experience with domestic violence and how as a mom, she was able to turn this pain into a feeling of strength as she spoke about the experience with others. She had taken her cues from her daughter, who had been open about the abuse and had found a way to transform it from something ugly to something empowering as she showed other women how to find their freedom from abusive relationships. Neither mother nor daughter allowed her grief or pain to become something shameful; they didn’t allow themselves to become victims, and instead they chose to be beacons of courage. They owned the narrative, and they were the heroines showing the way for other women to be heroines in their own stories too.
I think about this vulnerability as strength in so many contexts – my friend who is open about their history of alcoholism and can say with a warm smile, “no thanks to the beer, I’m in recovery,” my stepdad who can talk about his horrific bike accident and say how it ended up being a blessing because it pushed him to take some leaps out of his comfort zone to more fully appreciate his retirement years, my cousin who can talk about his history with depression and share with others how powerful it was to own this challenge and ask for help. All of these beautiful souls show others how we get to choose the way we integrate the painful moments in our lives. We have the choice to allow our struggles to become something dark and shameful that we bury in the recesses of our minds and bodies, or we can bring these struggles to the light; we can share them knowing that we all have pain, and one person’s story can inspire another person to find their own strength. We get to decide the spin of the story we tell ourselves. We get to decide whether we are the heroes or the victims. We get to decide whether or not we are free.
I find myself thinking about my own vulnerability, my own struggles with my self-worth, my own doubts about my value – there have been so many! I think about my struggle to love my body, especially when I was obese, I think about my challenges to love my spirituality and not be afraid that it makes me sound crazy, I think about my fear of embracing my open heart and my worry that feeling, showing, and telling someone I love them would be taken as anything other than something positive. I choose to be open about these struggles because as I have brought them to light in my own life, I have found peace and purpose. Consider what challenges you have overcome and then perhaps consider how sharing your challenges might make you feel, how this might make someone else feel.
Witchy little risks 61-70:
# 61 – Show of vulnerability with my friend, Mo – I attended a psychedelics conference through Harvard University with a close friend, Monika. Mo and I have shared much in common, having both worked in the medical field – she is a psychiatric nurse practitioner. Since stepping out of the medical space myself, I have felt Mo watching my steps with a clinician’s eye, a perfectly reasonable skepticism in light of the fact that I was a pharmacist who now calls herself a witch. She is certainly not the only friend observing my journey with eyebrows raised, but her experience working with folks in mental crisis has primed her to anticipate catastrophe. During the time I have spent with Mo since making my big work/life leap, I have felt the need to justify my choices, to project confidence in an attempt to allay her concern for my wellbeing. I think the irony here is that when we try too hard to justify our choices and defend ourselves, it can come across as a little unhinged.
It was during our time together at this conference that I let my guard down with Mo. I told her I had worries, I had uncertainty, I don’t know 100% what my path forward looks like. It was in this place of my vulnerability that I saw Mo’s expression change. I felt her fear for my chosen path melt a little bit.
While I’d love to feel strong all the time and have complete certainty in my journey, I think something can be lost in that certainty too. For me, right now, I feel this balance of faith and doubt keeps me grounded, and I’d go as far as to say it even propels me forward.
#62 – Play pool – I was incredibly fortunate to spend some time with a few high school friends the night before Thanksgiving. My friend, Steve, was visiting from Charleston, SC, and our little group of 5 ended up going to play pool. I have long avoided most things that require hand-eye coordination, as I was afraid I would embarrass myself. When it came time for my turn at the pool table, I politely declined. Even the chance to count this as a witchy little risk was not enough to tempt me to play. Fortunately for me, Steve wouldn’t have it. He gently teased me, and ultimately, I agreed to play.
I think the biggest takeaway from this experience was how powerful friendship can be. Steve is my oldest friend. He gave me the time of day when I felt like my weirdest, ugliest, unworthiest self (middle school is brutal, let’s be honest). Knowing that he cared about me even at my weirdest gave me the strength to be vulnerable and try my hand at whacking some pool balls. I am so grateful for all my friends and for our ability to love each other’s weirdest and most wonderful bits. I don’t know if it was the satisfying smack of the cue ball striking another ball or the affection I felt from my friends, but I ended up enjoying the heck out of that game. I even made a ball in the pocket!
#63 – Make a bonsai tree – My sister-in-law generously got us a class to make bonsai trees for my birthday. Early on in the class, we learned that these little trees would live to be over 200 years old! I had this moment of panic as I considered taking on the responsibility of stewarding the life of this living being that could long outlast me if I was good to it. It made me think about our responsibility to all the life that will outlive our own – the forests, ecosystems, and the whole dang planet. We have this choice to be stewards if we want to. We have this chance to nurture and share some compassion in this lifetime. It’s a huge responsibility, but in the end, I can’t think of a better purpose for my life.
#64 – Wear red lipstick and college outfit – My mom had dropped off a bag of clothes from my closet in my childhood bedroom, and contained within were a couple of things I still liked. For this risk, I decided to wear a dress I had worn in college when I felt young and sexy, and I topped the look off with some red lipstick, which is something I never wear. In the end, I see this risk as the beginning of my experimentation with glamour magick. Glamour magick is when you channel your inner magick, your inner power, with the help of a magickal ally of some sort, like lipstick or a dress or a scent, and you set an intention to bring about an outcome of your choice. I wasn’t trying to achieve anything specific in experimenting with this look, but I felt the power of it. I felt my power in it. When I had a business meeting in a café, I felt people’s eyes on me. When I spoke, I felt the lipstick on my lips and knew it was amplifying my words. Since this day, I have chosen to wear lipstick in most of my videos. It makes me think twice about what I say because I feel it magnify my message.
Red lip energy
#65 – Apply for job at Rebecca Campbell Creative – Early in my spiritual journey, I found tremendous comfort in the videos and books of Rebecca Campbell, a mystic and creative spirit. Her content helped grow my confidence to claim a spiritual existence and to know it was possible not only to be taken seriously as a spiritual person, but also to sustain yourself financially in this space. She is a visionary, and I am incredibly grateful for her. I am on her email listserv, and I received a message that there was a job opening on her team, a maternity leave position. I hemmed and hawed about whether to apply. I wasn’t sure if it would undermine my efforts to build my own business. In the end, I figured I could put my ego aside – there is no harm in applying to anything, and if I were to get to a place where I was offered a job, how incredible would it be to learn more directly from one of my greatest teachers?
I had a great time building a new resume, a resume for a witch (unlike any resume I have ever written before, this one had a photo and color accents!). This process alone made the application worthwhile. And while I haven’t heard about the job, I have taken away some valuable self-insight: I think I have been hoping for someone to come and save me, to offer me a way to make an income, but this path is my chance to own my freedom. My job is to figure out how to live this truth, to be a witch and sustain myself, and in this way, I will pave the way for others looking to live their own truth too.
#66 – Wear heels all day – I had so much fun with red lipstick that I decided to try out a different glamour – a pair of heels. I never wear heels. In fact, when I was at my heaviest weight, I made a promise to myself that I would never wear heels again. How great that we can change our minds! I wanted to know what it would feel like to wear heels throughout a normal day, to go to a work meeting in a café, to run some errands, to sit in a public place and work. I am not super confident walking in heels – this is a skill that requires practice, and which I would definitely like to hone – but I still felt my power in those damn heels. They made me more aware of my body in space, of how I was carrying myself. They reminded me of my posture. The extra height made me aware of how I can choose to be seen if I want to be. At one point, I was sitting in a café after my meeting, doing some writing, and a stranger came up to me and said, “I just had to tell you, you are a vision sitting there.” It was one of the kindest things a stranger has ever said to me. I thanked him and told him about my little witchy risk project; it was a lovely example of how a glamour (in this case heels) can amplify your inner magick to bring about an outcome of your choice (in this case sharing how valuable my experience has been taking little risks to grow).
#67 – Ask father-in-law for business advice – One of the most vulnerable moments I have had in my witchy journey was this one. I hadn’t shared much about my new business venture with my father-in-law, as he is an atheist and tends to be skeptical of all flavors of spirituality. For this risk, I swallowed my pride, accessed that strength in vulnerability, and asked him if I could go over for a visit and interview him about his process of starting his own business, which he had done decades earlier, and which he had been able to successfully grow into a 20+ person company. To my fear and delight, he agreed.
We had a lovely chat. His journey has been full of little risks, from cold calling Ernie Boch, Jr. to offer his media services, to having a meeting with a mob-adjacent client who was being asked to purchase stolen art on the phone while they were together, to figuring out in a split second’s time that he could make $20,000 without doing any additional work just by having the courage to name the price and know he was worth it. The advice he gave that he felt was most helpful for him was to never be afraid to pick up the phone. We can send emails and messages, but calling someone takes more; it’s brave and bold, and it shows you know your value. Don’t be afraid to call.
#68 – Zoom discussion – My favorite thing in the world is chatting with people about life, existence, soul callings, anything that gets to our gushy centers. For this risk, I decided to host discussions via Zoom to connect with people and just see what happens. This first discussion night was all about consciousness and the mind. I had one other person join me, and I feel like the Universe brought us together for a reason. She is from Winnipeg, and she is brilliant, kind, and soulful. This little leap to connect bore great reward. I am excited to see what other incredible people I might meet in this space!
#69 – Let Ellie walk off-leash – I had been working long hours on building my business, and poor Ellie was bored, lonely, and restless. I took a morning off to take her for a nice long walk in the woods because she deserves all good things. We got a little way into the walk, and she sat down and wouldn’t go any farther. She has done this before, and I haven’t been able to figure out how to get her to move forward, so I have sadly given up and gone home. This day, though, I knew how badly she needed this walk. Instead of turning around, I dropped her leash and kept walking ahead. That little girl bounded after me like the happiest thing on four legs. It was as though she had been waiting for this all along.
It was a powerful lesson for me to see Ellie willing to give up the chance to go for a walk at all in order to do it on her terms, totally free. It made me think about what I am willing to risk for my own freedom, what I have already risked. I just have to have faith that the Universe will deliver for me the way I did for my furry little girl.
#70 – Read children’s book and favorite poem – I took a leap and decided to read my children’s book, “Happy Hedgehog,” out loud and put the video on YouTube. I figured, I believe in this little story’s message, and it isn’t doing anyone any good sitting in Amazon’s bookstore, unpurchased. It’s pretty cool – I’ve had over 600 views on the video; here’s hoping it brings comfort to some kiddos!
